CAN YOU TOP THIS?

31 MAY 1947

NBC RADIO

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(employer, emergency, houses, movies)

CHARLES STARK: Once again, Palmolive brushless and Palmolive lather, Palmolive, the largest-selling brand of shaving cream in the world presents “Can You Top This?” Starring Senator Ford.

SENATOR FORD: Good evening.

CS: Harry Hershfield.

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.

CS: And Joe Laurie, Jr.

JOE LAURIE JR: Hellooo.

CS: And now, here’s Palmolive shave cream’s master of ceremonies, Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” our unrehearsed egg roll. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen until the people’s representative, Peter Donald, tells them on the air. Our three gagsters have no scripts. They rely on memory and ability to switch jokes and make them fit the subject. If Peter Donald tells your submitted story, you get ten dollars plus a phonograph record personally autographed by our wits of Peter Donald telling your story on the air. The laughs are registered on the big Palmolive shave meter in full view of the studio audience. Each time the wits fail to top your score, you win an additional five dollars, which means you may win twenty-five dollars. So let’s get on with the laughs. Are you ready, gentlemen?

JL: Ready!

HH: Ready!

SF: Yeah, I guess so.

WW: Well, everybody seems to be comparatively ready, including the senator tonight, and our first joke this evening comes from Samuel B. Watson of Alexandria, Louisiana, and it’s on the subject of something we all have fortunately: employer. Employer. So, Pete, guess you’re hired.

PETER DONALD: This is about a fellow by the name of Herkimer Jerkimer, and he’s not very bright. Kind of fellow, you know, his class had voted him Boy Most Likely. You know, they’re not sure of this guy. So he grew up and he was working. He got a job with the Indian Motorcycle Company. He was making midget motorcycles for half-breeds, and he was doing pretty good for a while. And then all of a sudden the Indian Motorcycle people didn’t like him. He didn’t seem to know what the score was and they didn’t feel they needed him any longer so his employer called the secretary. He said, “Send this fellow Jerkimer a letter telling him his services are not required for the time being and,” he said, “we’ll get rid of this boy.” So they sent the letter, but about ten days later the employer was walking through the motorcycle factory, and there’s Herkimer back at his old place in the factory, working. So the boss said, “Jerkimer, I sent you a letter telling you your services weren’t required for the time being. Didn’t you get it?” He says, “Uh, sure I, duh, I got the letter about nine days ago, but I came back, just like you said in the letter.” He says, “What do you mean, just as I said in the letter?” He says, “Look here. Right on the envelope it says, ‘Return after ten days.’”

WW: Well, Pete, you don’t have to return after that one. The Palmolive shave meter gave it 1000, putting Mr. Watson in the twenty-five dollar class automatically and putting it out of our three wits’ range, but challenging them quite a bit to see if they can even tie it. There are two hands of three upraised. Harry’s standing in the shadows. So, brother Hershfield, you’re it.

HH: Well, talking of employment and employers, my own hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa the other day had a very big snowstorm. All of Iowa did. And I think of this one when I thought of the storm. There’s a big snowstorm. Snow is falling fast, and finally the woman of one of the houses came out and said to a fellow passing by, “Would you like to shovel the snow for me?” He said, “Yeah, I would shovel. Well, how much you going to pay me?” And they argued and argued and she decided to give him seventy-five cents an hour. So she goes in the house happy that he’s going to shovel the snow, and she looks out of the window and there’s another guy shoveling the snow, and this guy’s directing it. So she comes out, says, “What’s going on here?” He says, “I hired him to do, shovel the snow.” Says, “You hired him? What are you paying him?” Says, “I’m giving him a dollar an hour.” Says, “A dollar an hour? I’m paying you seventy-five cents an hour. How can you give him a dollar?” He said, “That’s the labor situation today!”

WW: Very topical and very good too, according to the Palmolive shave meter, Harry. Another 1000, tying Mr. Watson’s 1000, but not topping it. And the next hand to be upraised belongs to Junior. Joe Laurie Jr, that is.

JL: Who, me? Well, there’s a fellow manufacturing dresses for women, and beautiful dresses, and the shades were so fine and the good were so wonderful that any little mark would show on them, so he had big signs all over the place in the washrooms and all, “Be sure and wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands.” So he’s walking around the place one day and out of the washroom comes a goof, and he says, “Show me your hands.” So the guy shows him his hands. Says, “Looks at the hands.” He says, “Dirty hands. Dirty, filthy, dirty hands, Go wash your hands.” He says, “Why should I wash my hands?” He said, “Because you couldn’t work on the goods.” He said, “You’ll spoil all my goods. Wash your hands. The hands are filthy dirty.” He says, “Who’s going to work? I’m going out to eat lunch!”

WW: Well, that keeps the high scoring intact, Joe. Another 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter. That’s three in a row now. Whether it’s going to be four or not, we’ll go out to lunch and listen to you, Senator. How about it?

SF: Might as well go out to lunch. I don’t think this is going to be so hot. This is a little part of an old routine might fit in here. An inspector walked into a boss and he said, “How many people work in your office?” The boss said, “About half of them.” Just then, a fellow came in for a job, and he said to the boss, “I’d like a job.” The boss said, “Well, I… Maybe I can find a place for you. What have you done before?” He said, “Oh, I was a farmer in a candy factory.” He said, “What do you mean, a farmer in a candy factory?” He said, “I used to milk chocolate.” Then another guy came in and he looked for a job. Said, “Where did you work?” He said, “I was a mechanic in a candy factory.” He said, “What do you mean a mechanic in a candy factory?” He said, “I tightened the nuts in the peanut brittle.” That’s the labor situation all over today.

WW: Well, the peanut brittle didn’t do as well as the first one, so I’ll…

SF: I’ll take the middle one.

WW: Alright, I’ll stay with it, too, senator. That was 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter. All three of our wits that time tied Mr. Watson’s 1000 but didn’t top it, so we send Mr. Watson twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, plus a 1000 Club certificate, and also in addition we’re sending Mr. Watson an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air. And now here’s Charles Stark with the biggest shaving news in history.

CHARLES STARK: Three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way. Yes, three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way. This is not just a promise, not just a claim. 1,297 men tried the new, different Palmolive brushless way to shave and, no matter how they shaved before, 79% found beards easier to cut, 75% got less razor pull, 69% closer shaves, 82% smoother-feeling skin, and three men out of every four got more comfortable, actually smoother shave. But you be the judge. Try the new Palmolive brushless way to shave yourself. Here’s all you do: wash your face with soap and water, rinse, soap your face thoroughly again and apply Palmolive brushlesh shave cream. Smooth it upward into your beard. This way you get the full benefit of Palmolive brushless shave cream’s beard conditioning effect. Then shave. And that’s all. But remember: Palmolive brushless shave cream offers you proof  that three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way.

(Harmonica note)

SF: (Singing) Should shaving comfort be forgot.

HH: (Singing) And shavers rant and rave

JL: (Singing) Oh, no, my friend, your worries end.

SF, HH, and JL: (Singing) With Palmolive brushless shave.

WW: Well, fellows, your concert was a success, so now we get back to the business of jokes once again, and here’s one to continue our contest of wit and humor, sent in by D. Sievert of Chicago, Illinois, and it’s on the subject of something both the senator and Joe Laurie Jr both came through with flying colors: emergency. Emergency.

HH: Emergency, huh?

JL: Flying colors at half mast.

WW: No, you both look pretty good from here. And, Pete, I hope you look pretty good after the joke is over.

PD: Well, it seems that a lady rushed into a doctor’s waiting room. She was very, very worried and anxious-looking, and as soon as the doctor appeared at his office door to call the next patient this woman rushed over. She says, “Oi, doctor, you got to take me next. Oh!” She says, “Take me right away. It’s an emergency.” He says, “What’s the matter, madam?” She says, “Oi, am I sick? Oh, am I sick? Oh, I’m so sick it’s like on the radio Ajax Kazatsky says, ‘I”m not long for this world.’ I’m awful sick.” Well, he says, “Certainly, if it’s that serious, I know these people don’t mind. Step into the office.” So he got her in there and he says, “What’s wrong with you? What makes you think this is an emergency case?” She says, “Well, doctor, you see,” she says, “my name is Mrs. Abercrombie Fafufnik and lately I have not been feeling so hotsy-totsy, so I got some kind of a trouble with the venitriter?” He says, “With the venitriter?” She says, “Yeah, venitriter stand up I fall down all the time.” So she said, “My own personal doctor is a big sturgeon but he’s up by Gessinger’s for the holiday weekend so I went into the phone booth in the drug store. I gave him a long-distance tinkle on the phone. And that’s when I found out my days are numbered.” He said, “Why, madam, what do you mean?” She says, “What I mean? Right in the middle of the phone call from somewhere came a voice and it said, ‘Madam your time is up!’”

WW: Well, obviously your time isn’t Pete, but the Palmolive shave meter was up -- up to 1000, as a matter of fact, giving Mr. Sievert twenty-five dollars automatically, once again putting him out of range of our three wits, and let’s see how close they can come to tying it after that very successful first round. All three hands raised this time. I think that’s raised, isn’t it, Senator?

SF: No, I was scratching my ear.

WW: Oh. Well, I hope…

SF: It’s alright. I think I have a gag. I don’t know how good it is but I have one.

WW: Well, leave us find out.

SF: Well, up in my home town there’s a fellow by the name of Mike, who every Saturday night got good and plastered. One of those regular things, but he got blotto. But really. Well, it got so bad that some of his friends thought an emergency had arisen. See how nicely I got that in there? And decided maybe they’d better scare him out of drinking too much. Now, there was a cemetery he had to go through in the middle of the night to reach his home. It was a sort of a short cut. And one of the boys on one Saturday night put a sheet over him, a white sheet over him and hid behind a tombstone. Well, along about midnight in staggered Mike into the graveyard and fell into an empty grave that somebody was going to be buried in the next day. Well, the ghost walked over, the fellow with the sheet on him walked over, looked down into the grave, and said, “What are you doing in my grave?” Mike looked up and said, “What am I doing in your grave? Be the same token, what are you doing out of it?”

WW: Well, it was good enough for 800 on the Palmolive shave meter that time, Senator.

SF: The grave wasn’t deep enough.

WW: Well, you were digging for it, anyway. 800 doesn’t top Mr. Sievert’s 1000 and, as a matter of fact, doesn’t tie it. However, we’ll carry on though and see what happens first with Harry Hershfield.

HH: Well, the mood set by the senator fits… The garment business, you know, is pretty bad right now. In fact, every second in the garment business is an emergency moment. And they’re telling this gag in the garment center itself. Fellow wanted to get ready cash. So he got the leading buyer of the country to come there to interest him in the goods he had, to interest him to buy it. But he didn’t say a word. First he took him to a show. And he took him, wined and dined him, and finally too him to his hotel, and then came the big moment as he said goodnight to him. He said, “Listen. If you like my goods, tomorrow morning, when you wake up, call me up, and take a big order.” The fellow says, “And suppose I don’t like your goods. What do I do?” He says, “Don’t wake up!”

WW: Well, Harry, apparently that 800 is a little contagious because that’s what you got too on the Palmolive shave meter that time.

SF: I’ll be gotten.

WW: I’m glad there’s an emergency in the clothing business. Otherwise you would have been a dead pigeon on that one.

JL: Son of a butcher!

HH: If you don’t think there’s an emergency there now, boy…

WW: Well, looking at your suit, I won’t comment. Anyway, not derogatory, Harry. It looks very good from here. Believe me. Joe, we haven’t heard from you in this round.

JL: I’m digging one from way, way back that Neil O’Brien the great minstrel told many years ago. He’s telling his friend. He says he was down the beach and he says, he says, he says, “I saw a woman out there.” He says, “A girl, beautiful girl and she was swimming out there and she’s sinking and then she got up and she tried to go to shore, and a big wave hit her and washed her further out.” He says, “Then she tried again to get towards shore, and a big wave hit her and washed her further out.” He says, “What did you do?” He says, “That’s when I was a hero.” He says, “I took a bar of Palmolive soap and threw it to her.” He says, “What did that do?” He says, “It washed her back.”

WW: Not only did it get 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter, but got a commercial in besides, Joe.

JL: Get a raise!

WW: Probably get a raise tomorrow. I don’t know. Well, only one of our wits tied Mr. Sievert. The other two didn’t quite get that far to the 1000 point at least. So, looking over the facts and figures, we send Mr. Sievert twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, plus a 1000 Club certificate, and, to straighten anybody out who doesn’t know what that is, anyone whose joke gets 1000 when told by Peter Donald is automatically a member of the 1000 Club outfit, and in addition we’re sending Mr. Sievert an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air. Well, let’s see. Our next joke comes Russell F. Briggs of Greenville, Illinois, and the subject of this round is something they used to have, I understand, houses. Houses. So if you find anything for rent, let’s know, Pete, will you?

PD: Well, this happened over in Brooklyn and Sadie DeKalb had invited her best friend to see her new house. So they’re sitting in the living room talking and Sadie turns to her friend, Gertie Gowanas, and she says, “So, how do you like my new domicile?” So the other one says, “Oh, gee, I think it’s real comfortable.” Says, “Gee, you’re so lucky to get it, you know.” She says, “What do you mean, lucky? That’s what you think. I got so swindled by my landlord. Oh, that snake in the mulberry bush. Oh, I could give him such a bruise. Oh!” She says, “What’s wrong?” She says, “What’s wrong?” She says, “This is one of them prefabricated houses. They must have built it with Melba toast or something.” She says, “Every time I hang my coat on a hook the house settles an in and a half. Oh, it’s awful!” She says, “Well, I don’t know. It looks nice and substantial to me.” She says, “Substantial? The pop-up electric toaster keeps knocking the roof off the house.” She says, “Oh, you’re just stupid now. You can’t tell me the house is as flimsy as that.” She says, “Oh, you don’t think it’s flimsy, huh? Do you by any chance hear a noise?” She says, “Yeah, I do hear a sort of noise. I thought maybe you got mice.” She says, “You think that’s mice? That’s the family next door eating celery.”

WW: Well, you’re cooking on the front burner too, Pete, I might add. For the third time tonight 1000, which puts Mr. Briggs in the twenty-five-dollar class automatically, for the third time tonight challenging our wits to the utmost -- watch your incision, Senator, and we’ll call first on little Joe…

SF: It’s my decisions that are wrong, I think.

JL: Well, this fellow bought a house and the first day it was there he called up the landlord, er, the fellow that sold him the house and had him come over. He said, “Come over here right away.” So the fellow comes up there. He stands on the porch. He says, “You know you’re a swindler?” He says, “You’re a swindler.” He says, “Why am I a swindler? What? What?” He says, “You advertised this house in the country,” he says, “and you could stand on the porch, you said, and look out at green fields.” He says, “So what?” He says, “You said you can look out at green fields. All I see is a butcher shop!” He says, “Well, that’s Greenfield’s butcher shop!”

WW: Sort of sneaked up on a thousand that time, Joe, but it was there on the Palmolive shave meter.

JL: I don’t care how it gets there.

WW: As long as it arrives, that’s it. Well, that ties Mr. Briggs’ 1000 but doesn’t top him. Let’s take a little look around here. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, and that calls for Senator.

SF: Hmm.

WW: Doesn’t rhyme, but…

SF: Well, talking about houses, have you looked at some of those houses they try to sell these days? When you buy stucco, you certainly get stucco. It’s early egg crate with sandpaper on it. Well, boarding houses would go in on this, wouldn’t it, under this category, wouldn’t?

WW: It’s houses. Houses.

SF: Anyway. Well, out in my hometown there’s one of those erudite guys, one of those purists in English, you know, one of those erudite dunces. Walked into a boarding house up there and said to the lady of the house, he said, he said, “I see you advertise table board.” She said, “I do.” He said, “It isn’t necessary to advertise table board. What other kind is there but table board?” She said, “There’s also stable board, and you’re not the first jackass that’s been in here.”

WW: A very propitious place to stop, Senator. 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter that time. Well, we have another perfect round in the making here, and we’ll see what Harry Hershfield has to do about it.

HH: There’s a newie going around, a new story I think’ll fit it well. There’s a fellow from New York had never been out of New York and he had the romantic urge to live in a log cabin overnight down in the Ozarks or someplace. So he gets down there. He goes into one of these cabins, and there’s one of the big mountaineers there. Says, “Welcome, stranger.” The fellow has a jug in front of him. Says, “This is the whiskey I made. Smiling Sam, it’s called. Want you to have a drink of it.” Fellow says, “I don’t take a drink. Not me. Not me.” Says, “Come on! Can’t insult my home and hospitality! Have a drink of it!” He says, “Well, I don’t drink.” Says, “Come on! Take a drink!” And he pulled out his revolver. Said, “Drink this stuff!” So he took a drink of it, and immediately his eyes rolled, he got convulsions, he fell over the furniture. For twenty minutes he rolled, convulsions, and he finally got up and stood up. He says, “How do you feel now?” Said, “A little better.” He says, “Take this revolver and make me take one!”

WW: Well, you could stand a shot of that yourself on that one, Harry. That was 500 on the Palmolive shave meter that time.

HH: I’ve got the convulsions!

WW: I’m wondering where they got that stuff from.

JL: He got the house in there too. House-pitality.

WW: Oh, yes. Very house.

HH: Oh, a new thing now. A cabin is not a house.

WW: Hey, you want to change it now, Harry?

HH: No, it’s okay.

WW: Well, we’ll leave it alone, anyway. But since none of our three wits were able to top Mr. Briggs’ 1000, we send Mr. Briggs twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, plus a 1000 Club certificate, and in addition we’re sending Mr. Briggs an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air. At this point Dan Donaldson has good shaving news for brush and lather fans.

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WW: Okay, fellows. On your toes again. Here’s a joke which was sent in by Lewis Schumacher of Boyd, Wisconsin, and this is on the subject of something we all see a lot of these days: movies. So, Pete, being about movies, watch your projection.

PD: Well, this is about a, this is about a big motion picture producer and director, one of those fellows with the beret and the riding boots, a fellow by the name of Thurman Wolfgang von Schmearcase, one of these big directors, and he’s very, very famous. You’ve probably seen these one word pictures that are around. Spellbound and Tamed and Tempted. He made one called Borscht. It’s the… Jimmie Fidler gave it three and a half potatoes. It’ll get to you. So he’s working very hard and he’s making his latest picture. It’s a big epic of the Irish countryside. An Irish picture entitled Dooley in the Sun, this thing. So he’s working with his production staff and he says, “Now, gentlemens, gentlemens,” he says, “of my production staff,” he says, “This next picture is going to be the crowning achievement of my career.” He says, “It will be most -- the most prodi-- the most contesti-- the most fan -- I don’t even know what it’s about yet, it’s so wonderful.” He says, “But there is one fellow we got to get to write this picture. One man who can write this picture. That great writer Nicholas Murray Kenny. He’s the fellow who should write this picture.” So one of the stooges put up his hand. He says, “Mr. Schmearcase,” he says, “He’s a great writer this guy, Nick Kenny, but” he says, “I hear he’s very sarcastic, you know,” he says, “even in his writings he’s pretty severe. Don’t you think maybe it’ll give the wrong thing to the picture if he’s a sarcastic guy. He may be too caustic for us.” “But,” he said, “I don’t… He’s too what? “ He says, “He may be too caustic.” He says, “Too caustic? I got plenty of money. I don’t care what he costs!”

WW: Well, a little flicker in there saved you a bit that time, Pete. It got to 900 after a struggle on the Palmolive shave meter, which gives Mr. Schumacher ten dollars to start out with and we’ll see if any of our three wits can top it or all of them. All hands being raced, or else the senator’s face still itches. I don’t know which.

SF: There are a number of movie gags. Go ahead. Call on somebody else. I need…

WW: Alright. You keep snoozing there and we’ll pick you up in a minute. Let’s start with Harry Hershfield.

HH: Well, there’s a story going around Hollywood right now about one of these producers suddenly came into the business and he hired a certain fellow, and he said, “I’ll make a big star out of you.” And they had a scenario done quick. And they took this scene and that scene and that scene of tremendous scenario. And finally he takes this actor on the top of a 3,000-foot cliff. And he says, “Now, this is the big scene. You jump from there on a dive and you dive in that water below.” Fellow says, “I’ll get killed!” Says, “What’s wrong? It’s the end of the picture!”

WW: It was the end of the Palmolive shave meter too, Harry. The top end that time. 1000. So that tops Mr. Schumacher’s 900. He still has his original ten dollars and we’ll see what little Joe is anxious to get in here for.

JL: Well, a fellow meets a friend of his. He says, “What do we do tonight?” Says, “Come on. Let’s go to a picture show.” He says, “Aw, pictures, pictures,” he says, “I’m getting sick of it. All this kissing and loving. Kissing and loving. Kissing and loving.” He says, “Wait a minute. Not every picture has kissing and loving.” He says, “Who’s talking about the picture? I’m talking about what’s going on in the balcony!”

WW: Very successful, Joe. It sneaked right up to the 1000 mark on the Palmolive shave meter that time, topping Mr. Schumacher’s 900 once again. He seems to be in a rut with that ten dollars, but let’s see. We never…

SF: Wish I could think of one and get a thousand.

WW: Well, try it now.

SF: Well, anyway, a…

JL: Use that one!

SF: Seem to be more laughs in your mic. I’ll use that one. Well, anyway, Dopey Dildock had a new girl by the name of Olive, and he said, “Look, Olive, I’ll meet you at the moving picture theater at six o’clock.” Well, she was fifteen cents late, but anyway they went in and they sat down and he put his arm around her and she said, “Don’t do that.” He said, “Well, then can I hold your palm, Olive?” I thought I’d get in a plug too, you see? So the first picture was one of those cartoons showing Noah’s arc with all the animals going on the arc. So she said, “What is that? A circus parade?” He said, “No. That’s Noah’s arc. You see, all the animals came in pairs.” She said, “Maybe all the animals came in pairs, but the worms come in apples.”

WW: Well, Senator, that was 900 on the Palmolive shave meter that time, exactly tying Mr. Schumacher’s 900. So, looking at the figures, we’ll send him fifteen dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, plus a copy of the brand new “Can You Top This?” joke book, written by our three wits, and, in addition, we’re sending Mr. Schumacher an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air.

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WW: Well, pardon me, gentlemen. I have a question I’d like to ask right at this point. Folks, why don’t you compete in this weekly gag fest? Because it’s lots more fun when you have a part in it, and you may win twenty-five dollars, or at least ten dollars when your joke is read, plus a phonograph record personally autographed by our wits of Peter Donald telling your story on the air. Just send your favorite joke to “Can You Top This?” in care or NBC New York, or the station to which you are listening. Do not send your jokes to any individual on the program. Send them in care of “Can You Top This?” In cases of similarity, we’ll have to be the sole judges of who is paid. IN every case, the decision of the judges is final. So join “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford, next week, same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

PD: Peter Donald.

WW: Ward Wilson

CS: And Charles Stark saying goodnight for Palmolive brushless and Palmolive lather. Palmolive -- the largest-selling brand of shave creams in the world. Here’s a top every housewife can use. Dealers now pay much more for used kitchen fats than they did last year. Ask your dealer what he pays for used kitchen fats and start saving them today. Use and reuse fats and oils as often as you can, then save them in tin cans and turn them into your dealer. He’ll pay you more for your used fats. Stay tuned in for “The Judy Canova Show,” which follows immediately over most of these same stations. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.